I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
