She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
