Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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