I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
