ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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