Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
