you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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