woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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