I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
