Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
