I wanna passion pit in your ass
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
