We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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