where am i from again
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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