And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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