in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
