You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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