If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
