getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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