Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize