Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
