Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize