Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
