she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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