i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
