it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
