Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
