Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
