he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
