if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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