I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I deserve this hangover.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
