The brown eye won't let me do that either.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
