a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
