I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize