he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
