Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
