my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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