life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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