You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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