I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
