Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
