Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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