Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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