when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
