It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
