he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
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