I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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