He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
