I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
