Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
