How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
