He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
