i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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