Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My hand turned me down
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
