the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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