Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
