I feel great
I just peed on a car
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize