I feel great
I just peed on a car
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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