Plan B is the new Plan A
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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