I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
