I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
