First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
