trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
