Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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