I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
