do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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