Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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