Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
