dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
