soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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